A Flower in the Wall

What do you do when the situation is so ugly, so bleak that it’s hard to find the silver lining anywhere? How do you overcome the bitterness, resentment, anger and fear that comes in those moments?

On a personal level, it has been a very difficult 9 months for my family and me. As some of you know, in September of last year, my husband was reorganized out of his position of 18-1/2 years. It’s been difficult to process and digest a lot of what happened, and quite frankly, the months have been very dark and bleak. When you love someone so much, you’re very much in it with them when they’re dealt with circumstances like that. We both wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out. Finances have been strained, the pressure has been on to find a job, we’ve faced and tried to process broken friendships and relationships, family challenges and illnesses of loved ones, and even the death of a friend- things that seem to keep coming one right after another.

I read the Twilight series a few years ago when it was popular (hey- it was good so leave me alone), and teenage heartbreak and drama aside-  my mind goes back to the pages in the series when Bella is so broken hearted and down that each page was just printed with the month- no words- just blank pages, month after month. That’s how it’s felt the last 8-1/2 months. Just going through the motions, trying to run a business, trying to make ends meet, running the race when you barely could and definitely didn’t want to…. School had barely started, and we just went through the motions of everything- trying to put on as best a face as we could for our boys. Thanksgiving came and went by; Christmas was a blur I barely remember. And, then, we looked with hope on the new year, thinking something, anything was about to happen, and then nothing. Easter came and went, and I still can’t believe it’s over because those were all days that were a blur. Just a date on the calendar. No words.

In our minds and in our conversations- we play over scenarios and conversations, and we want to ask the why’s and the who’s and the what’s…. and we’ve questioned God’s plan, and we’ve been angry at Him, and angry at the wrongs; we’ve been sad, and it’s changed us. It’s changed me, and it’s changed him, and it’s changed our kids, and it’s changed our marriage. We have been pressed and shaken and we’ve learned things about each other that we didn’t know- even after almost 21 years together.

But there have been moments- even in our anger, when we could see God’s hand there, loving on us. Telling us to hold on. Giving us grace, and provision that blew our minds. He’s still doing it. It happens almost every day.

As I went on my walk today, I found that was a worship song in my shuffle- which typically isn’t in my “pump myself up” idea of a playlist that includes Pink and various other artists, but it came on- Great Is Thy Faithfulness. As I turned the corner over looking the pond in our neighborhood, I passed tons of wild flowers, and the peace of the moment washed over me. God has been faithful. God will be faithful. God has a direct hand in the success of my business, in my husband’s job search, in our choices for our family, in all the decisions my son will make his upcoming senior year, in the outcome of our middle schooler’s dilemma. God is faithful. He has been faithful in provision, in big moments, and in little ones. In our darkest, most alone and dismal moments- He’s been faithful.

I switched my playlist to the worship album as I walked the familiar path that has become an almost daily occurrence for Martin and me- a blessing of time and togetherness that God has allowed us during this season. As I rounded the bottom of the cemetery hill- known for bluebonnets and wildflowers, I saw one little last patch of bluebonnets hanging on past its season. Then I saw hundreds and hundreds of colorful wild flowers topping the stone retainer wall. And then, right smack in the middle of the stone wall- growing out of the wall- a single wild flower. It stopped me in my tracks, and I walked over to take a picture. In that moment, it occurred to me…. That flower had to overcome adversity to grow out of that wall. It had to find its roots in the black silt and rocks of the ground beneath the cemetery, through seemingly insurmountable stones and mortar. It had to find the perfect crack in that wall to find its perfect spot. It had to go through a lot of ugly to grow.

After snapping a few pictures, I continued back up the hill, past the pond, and back onto the sidewalk that is flanked with wildflowers in orange, pink, yellow, white and lots of purples. The song, Living Hope came up in my playlist…. And there it was again, the story of going through the bleak and dark to become something beautiful.

And then I saw another flower that caught my eye. It was so pretty and purple and puffy. But when I looked below that, I saw that it was an ugly, gnarly, prickly weed. And I marveled that God would point that out to me twice within my 45-minute walk. That weed had to grow past the ugly, gnarly, prickly stuff if it was going to find its ultimate beauty.

My mind turned to the fact that today is Memorial Day. This day represents the ultimate darkest day for countless thousands and their families. Yet out of their darkest day blooms the blessing and beauty of our freedoms, and this safe environment that we often take for granted. I didn’t set out to find that beauty in the ugly today, but it sure found me. And I’m writing this to let you know- God is faithful. And if it’s a dark, wordless day for you, hang in there- the beauty is coming. It might be Memorial Day, but it sure feels like Easter.