"Bearing Gifts as if they're burdens... This is how it's been..."

Friday, 5/4/07

As Ginny Owens says- I've been "bearing gifts as if they're burdens"... Sometimes I feel that people run from me, so that I will not start in on the latest long list of complaints. I feel sometimes that my life is one long list of complaints. I swore I wouldn't become this way, but I feel it's a losing battle.

Why do I have so much to complain about, when I have so much to be thankful for? The end result is guilt. I feel so guilty all the time. I have tried so hard to hand this guilt over to Christ, but it always gets in the way.

That's probably the reason why I write this blog- it is a desperate attempt to focus on the good in my life, instead of the things that truly bother me. Even the name- "My Surreal Life"....

I want and TRY so hard to be happy. Maybe that is where I fall short- TRYING so hard. And then when it doesn't happen that way, I feel like a failure, and then guilty for not doing enough to achieve it. The funny part is, I KNOW that I can do nothing to achieve happiness. Happiness is a moment to moment choice, made in the Lord.

Lately, when I feel the worst, I pull out my Bible, flop it open, where it may, and read a chapter. It has done wonders for calming me down.

The stress is the worst part. Dealing with the "day to day living" is wearing me out. My beautiful boys, are wearing me out. My lovely house, that never seems to stay clean, is wearing me out. My job, that seems to be taking off- is wearing me out. And suddenly, all the blessings in my life become burdens, and I'm not enjoying them. I'm tired.

I will just keep plugging away. Pulling out my Bible when I feel so overwhelmed- counting on God to help me catch my breath.