A Flower in the Wall

What do you do when the situation is so ugly, so bleak that it’s hard to find the silver lining anywhere? How do you overcome the bitterness, resentment, anger and fear that comes in those moments?

On a personal level, it has been a very difficult 9 months for my family and me. As some of you know, in September of last year, my husband was reorganized out of his position of 18-1/2 years. It’s been difficult to process and digest a lot of what happened, and quite frankly, the months have been very dark and bleak. When you love someone so much, you’re very much in it with them when they’re dealt with circumstances like that. We both wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out. Finances have been strained, the pressure has been on to find a job, we’ve faced and tried to process broken friendships and relationships, family challenges and illnesses of loved ones, and even the death of a friend- things that seem to keep coming one right after another.

I read the Twilight series a few years ago when it was popular (hey- it was good so leave me alone), and teenage heartbreak and drama aside-  my mind goes back to the pages in the series when Bella is so broken hearted and down that each page was just printed with the month- no words- just blank pages, month after month. That’s how it’s felt the last 8-1/2 months. Just going through the motions, trying to run a business, trying to make ends meet, running the race when you barely could and definitely didn’t want to…. School had barely started, and we just went through the motions of everything- trying to put on as best a face as we could for our boys. Thanksgiving came and went by; Christmas was a blur I barely remember. And, then, we looked with hope on the new year, thinking something, anything was about to happen, and then nothing. Easter came and went, and I still can’t believe it’s over because those were all days that were a blur. Just a date on the calendar. No words.

In our minds and in our conversations- we play over scenarios and conversations, and we want to ask the why’s and the who’s and the what’s…. and we’ve questioned God’s plan, and we’ve been angry at Him, and angry at the wrongs; we’ve been sad, and it’s changed us. It’s changed me, and it’s changed him, and it’s changed our kids, and it’s changed our marriage. We have been pressed and shaken and we’ve learned things about each other that we didn’t know- even after almost 21 years together.

But there have been moments- even in our anger, when we could see God’s hand there, loving on us. Telling us to hold on. Giving us grace, and provision that blew our minds. He’s still doing it. It happens almost every day.

As I went on my walk today, I found that was a worship song in my shuffle- which typically isn’t in my “pump myself up” idea of a playlist that includes Pink and various other artists, but it came on- Great Is Thy Faithfulness. As I turned the corner over looking the pond in our neighborhood, I passed tons of wild flowers, and the peace of the moment washed over me. God has been faithful. God will be faithful. God has a direct hand in the success of my business, in my husband’s job search, in our choices for our family, in all the decisions my son will make his upcoming senior year, in the outcome of our middle schooler’s dilemma. God is faithful. He has been faithful in provision, in big moments, and in little ones. In our darkest, most alone and dismal moments- He’s been faithful.

I switched my playlist to the worship album as I walked the familiar path that has become an almost daily occurrence for Martin and me- a blessing of time and togetherness that God has allowed us during this season. As I rounded the bottom of the cemetery hill- known for bluebonnets and wildflowers, I saw one little last patch of bluebonnets hanging on past its season. Then I saw hundreds and hundreds of colorful wild flowers topping the stone retainer wall. And then, right smack in the middle of the stone wall- growing out of the wall- a single wild flower. It stopped me in my tracks, and I walked over to take a picture. In that moment, it occurred to me…. That flower had to overcome adversity to grow out of that wall. It had to find its roots in the black silt and rocks of the ground beneath the cemetery, through seemingly insurmountable stones and mortar. It had to find the perfect crack in that wall to find its perfect spot. It had to go through a lot of ugly to grow.

After snapping a few pictures, I continued back up the hill, past the pond, and back onto the sidewalk that is flanked with wildflowers in orange, pink, yellow, white and lots of purples. The song, Living Hope came up in my playlist…. And there it was again, the story of going through the bleak and dark to become something beautiful.

And then I saw another flower that caught my eye. It was so pretty and purple and puffy. But when I looked below that, I saw that it was an ugly, gnarly, prickly weed. And I marveled that God would point that out to me twice within my 45-minute walk. That weed had to grow past the ugly, gnarly, prickly stuff if it was going to find its ultimate beauty.

My mind turned to the fact that today is Memorial Day. This day represents the ultimate darkest day for countless thousands and their families. Yet out of their darkest day blooms the blessing and beauty of our freedoms, and this safe environment that we often take for granted. I didn’t set out to find that beauty in the ugly today, but it sure found me. And I’m writing this to let you know- God is faithful. And if it’s a dark, wordless day for you, hang in there- the beauty is coming. It might be Memorial Day, but it sure feels like Easter.  

Crash Course in Self Planning a Trip to Walt Disney World During Peak times

Because we had a trip out to NC for a wedding over the week prior to Thanksgiving, we decided to go ahead and put together a trip to Walt Disney World. We’ve been putting it off for about two years; but we wanted to go at least one more time before my oldest son graduates, and also, since my little one was four when we went last- he doesn’t remember much.

So, when we realized we’d be purchasing tickets out east anyway- we said why not?!? Because it was Thanksgiving week, I was very leery because I have heard that the crowds could be insane. Since we were staying off site, we could have hired a Magic Maker for about $100- which if you don't have time to plan; is a great option. If you are staying on a Disney property, there is no extra charge and I highly recommend utilizing their planning services. However, if you will be staying off site, I thought I'd offer some tips for those self planners out there.... 

Self-Planning tips:

The first step in self-planning your trip would be to create an account on the Disney World website and then download the app. I realized when I logged in that I had created an account about 2 years ago when we first started talking about this… I had not downloaded the app- and you may be wondering why in the world you’d need it before you’re even setting foot on the property- but I’ll get to that in a minute.

In advance of our trip- as in about 90 days prior- I spent tons of time on pinterest planning and researching, since we have such a short amount of time, and it's such a busy time of year for Disney- the devil is in the details. So, I found this site which has been an amazing source of information- if you are not staying on site, and/or not using a Magic Maker to plan your trip. (At this point, with the amount of research I've done, I could just about qualify, LOL). Anyway: here's the super handy website that I've got pinned all over my travel pinterest boards: http://wdwprepschool.com/. That site has everything about each park, dining options, fast pass plans, and more. 

Dining Reservations:

Book dining reservations up to 180 days prior (even without ticket purchase) for busy times. I will tell you right now, that the dining reservations saved our lives. Dining in Disney is pricey- but at busy times when everyone is cranky and there are no reservations and no tables to be found at quick service locations (or a curb to sit on for that matter), it mattered. I don’t think we could have covered so much ground at the parks in two days had it not been for dining reservations. More about specific dining locations later- but I did book at least one character meal (that was on Thanksgiving Day at Chip and Dale’s Garden Grill so that we could have a pretty authentic Thanksgiving meal). At about 90 days prior- most in park locations were booked for the Wednesday and Thursday of Thanksgiving- so when I spotted reservations- I snatched them up quickly. You can cancel without charge (otherwise $10/pp) up to 24 hours in advance of the reservation, and Disney does send you reminder emails so that you can change if you need too.

We ended up with a table service reservation for lunch in Animal Kingdom the first day (at Yak and Yeti); and browsed and sampled Epcot’s Christmas dishes for dinner that evening. However, I was extremely lucky to find the Yak and Yeti reservation for lunch a couple days prior to our trip- so don’t give up and don’t quit checking the app- even while you're in the park. I had originally booked a character dinner in AK for that evening at 8:00 (that was all that was available at the time), but we got through the park with our fast passes so quickly, we were able to call and cancel that reservation about 5 hours prior. We were prepared to pay the fee- because character dining is the most expensive option and we would still end up ahead of the game even cancelling- but when they asked why we were cancelling and replied that we would be finished with the park and hopping on, they cancelled it without a fee- presumably it’s easy to refill the reservation since the park was so busy.

Thanksgiving Day I had booked the lunch at Chip and Dale’s Garden Grill since they had somewhat Thanksgiving-ish fare and all the other TDay dinner locations were booked up. I didn’t have anything planned for dinner on Thursday night. So, after realizing how badly our feet needed the sit-down dinner- I kept checking the app on Wednesday and Thursday until I finally landed an open spot at Tony’s on Main Street in Magic Kingdom. Granted, that dinner reservation was at 9:55pm. But we got it; and it worked out great since we had a late lunch and a Mickey pretzel snack in between. If you want reservations- shoot for off times to eat; or during parades of fireworks shows. Again, don't quit checking the app because people cancel all day and new reservations popped up. 

Fast Passes:

We knew we would use points to stay off site- so we were allowed a 30-day window to book fast passes as long as our Disney tickets were purchased online in advance. (If you are staying on site- you have a 60-day window). We set reminders in our phone 30 days prior to our trip to obtain fast passes online (you will need to login at 7am EST/6am CST on EACH day of your trip) and got up at the crack of dawn- actually before- to book passes. The first three allowed passes for a day must be booked in the same park. After your last fast pass has been used/expired, you can continue to login in to the app to get another, and then another, and then another; and these do NOT have to be in the same park. If you are going over Thanksgiving or any busy time of the year- booking time is key. I logged in right at 6am for our first ticket day and did great getting good fast pass times. The second day (actually our Thanksgiving day ticket) I logged in at 6:07 because I overslept a little, and believe me- the good fast pass times got snatched quickly and that ended up affecting our whole day’s plans… The app came in very handy as we did all of this from our bed.

Refer to pinterest and the wdwprepschool link above for some great recommendations on fast passes. I stuck to their plan and it worked out great for us. We booked three passes in Epcot- “burned” one by just scanning in so that we could get another pass earlier since it was an attraction we didn’t feel the need to do. After that, we booked one for Buzz Lightyear (my kids have happy memories there) in Magic Kingdom; and then another at Pirates in MK. We realized after using the 10:00pm fast pass at Pirates that no more fast passes were available for our date. I don’t know if that means that no more were available because of a cut-off time; or if they were all simply used up.

We’ve been to Disney in years past when fast passes were not an option, and this made all the difference in the world. I can’t stress how much more enjoyable our trip was with only having to wait in limited lines. Try to get them to early/midday if possible so that you can maximize the number of fast passes you’ll get to use.

A note about Flights of Passage, Avatar:

This was the most amazing ride I’ve ever been on. We did not secure a fast pass for this attraction- they were long gone at 6:00am. However, we got to the park at Animal Kingdom and were through security by 7:30am. While we didn’t use it, I confirmed a tip I had read on Pinterest that you can cut through the Rainforest Café gift shop to get ahead of the crowds to make your way to the Pandora. But we almost ran to the attraction, and by the time we got there it was a line already up to 90 minutes. I am not the type to say that waiting in a line that long for anything is worth it. But I will tell you right now that the line itself is a beautiful wait. I was never bored looking at the sights. I would have been sad if I’d missed all that because of a fast pass. It moved fairly quickly; and once inside- the ride is the most advanced thing I’ve ever ridden. I will let you experience it for yourself.

Our lyft driver from the night before had ridden Flight of Passage I think 3-4 times and hasn’t gotten tired of it. He told us to skip the Navi River ride, so we did. From what I gather, it’s a standard Disney boat ride- so waiting 215 minutes was not in the cards for us, and we don’t regret that.

Parking/Transportation into the parks:

We had a rental car. However, the first night we had reservations at Hoop de Doo Revue at Disney’s Camp Wilderness Campsites, and I had heard that it’s hard to access due to limited parking. It also has beer/wine included with the meal, so we opted to look for a ride over. We checked in with the concierge at our hotel, who told us that Lyft is typically better in Orlando than Uber (which we normally use). We used the app to order a Lyft driver, and this turned out to be great because he was full of information that we tucked away for the rest of the trip.

First of all, we discovered that parking at Disney ranges from $20- 40 depending on how close you want to get to the gate. Our Lyft rides into the parks (Animal Kingdom/Epcot) were about $16-18 one way. Which isn’t bad considering you don’t have to walk to a car (and believe me, ow, ow, ow) or sit in traffic. Our Lyft driver told us that they can drop you right at the front for Animal Kingdom and Epcot because there are drop off lines. Boom, you’re at the gate without the foot ache. Magic Kingdom was a different story because of having to access the monorail or the boat over. So, he told us to be dropped at the Contemporary and walk over.

Side note: When we did this- we thought we had to take the monorail but the line that we got on runs to the transportation center followed by all the resorts and finally the Magic Kingdom. That’s four stops to the Magic Kingdom versus walking across the street- about 15 minutes. Lesson learned. We actually opted when we were leaving to walk it from the front gate to the Contemporary lobby. So that’s an option if the lines are long and if your feet are still up for it. Getting into the Magic Kingdom was the most confusing part of our trip; and the signage for the monorail was confusing. We could have taken the boat- which is fun if that’s your first trip; but we opted to use these options because they’re faster (as long as you don't get on the monorail going the wrong way- ha!).

Side tips:

• Utilizing the app will suck your battery dry before the end of the day. Plan to bring a backup brick (they were available for purchase in the parks for $30). Or, you can be like us and fight the system. We looked for outlets hidden (and well hidden, because it is, after all- Disney) in the flower beds and on columns, and charged our phone when we stopped for snack, meal and bathroom breaks.
• Because we had our final meal at Tony’s on Main Street right at 10:00, we saw the mass exodus after the fireworks show. We noticed that as people left- the restrooms in the restaurant (which includes a gift shop) were largely un-used. So, rather than using the restrooms on the way out of the park, I would step into this building where there were no lines if you’re exiting right at fireworks time. This is an especially good tip for us girls, since almost every bathroom line is double what the guys get since all the moms are stacking themselves plus at least one kid in a stall. Sigh, motherhood.

How was the trip with older kids versus young ones? Amazing! Different, but good. When the kids are little, they are all full of wonder and excitement; but they're dragging by the end of the day and everyone's melting down. Traveling with older kids allowed us to conquer more of the parks at a faster rate- but enjoy things like the good food, and the sights versus characters and kiddie rides (but Pluto did have my teenager laughing at Chip and Dale's Garden Grill). I wouldn't give up on a trip with your older kids, just because they're older- we had a blast!

Coming soon, reviews of Hoop de Doo review, Yak and Yeti restaurant, Chip and Dales’ Garden Grill, and Tony’s on Main Street. 

On Relationships

It’s been a pretty long while since I started composing this blog, but it’s taken me quite a bit of time to feel like I’m ready to share it. And to be honest, it's pretty long. And raw. And has nothing to do with travel unless you count the journey called life. And really, I wrote it for me, and not necessarily my reader- which is the complete opposite of what I usually do. So I will not be offended if you stop reading. 

Unfortunately, a long-lasting relationship of mine has recently come to a screeching, abrupt end (disclaimer- in no way am I referring to the relationship with my husband). Technically, the relationship was already slowing falling apart; and I don’t think it was an abrupt ending in any way except the way in which shots were fired and heard round the world after it came to my confronting and examining some issues, drawing some boundaries and asking for some space. Those shots fired publicly did not come from me; and were hard very hard for me to process. It’s a shame really because there might’ve been hope for the relationship again one day, had all the knee-jerk reactions not occurred. But isn’t that how it always goes when two fallible people are involved? All I can think of is Ross and Rachel “taking a break” and knee jerk reactions ensuing, resulting in almost beyond repair damage.

As I reflect over the broken relationship, I realized I’ve learned a few things….

I once heard it said- never marry someone you would be afraid to divorce. Meaning, like afraid. Not just sad. The way someone would react if you ever hurt them for one reason or another- on purpose or inadvertently, really does say a lot about their character. I think the same can apply to friendships and relationships. At least, I realize now that it does. If you can’t trust someone not to launch and pounce on your insecurities or private discussions after a “break up”, then you probably don’t want to have them in your circle. Go with your gut on this one, because I can tell you my gut knew. I can’t believe I’m just now learning this lesson at 40 years old. Boy, I’m now a little gun shy of how much I will share about myself. I find myself thinking frequently- if I admit to this fear, or share this about myself- will it haunt me later? There’s a saying- “we could never not be friends, because you know too much”. If that scares you, take heed.  

The marriage thing brings me to another thought. A non-marital relationship is obviously not a marriage. I am not bound by God to love, serve, obey for all the days of my life, no matter what. That sounds pretty damn harsh- because I do believe in doing those things in a relationship, absolutely- I mean except obey, of course. But I do choose to do those things because I care. The way I demonstrate love to someone is usually acts of service. I will scrub the dirty bathtub in your new house. I will wash your dishes and keep the kitchen running if you’re having a party. I will show up when you have a baby. Things like that- are how I love and serve. Not everyone loves that way- some are very, very good at encouraging words, and some are very, very good gift givers; and not everyone needs love returned in that way. Those things are all great and necessary in a relationship- giving and taking and sharing love languages.

But I do think that in relationships, there should be boundaries- and I do think that the parameters are much, much different for a non marital relationship versus a marriage. Relationships can ebb and flow- based on life’s current situations; and it’s refreshing when that is understood. One of my oldest friendships ebbed away in college, but has recently become fresh again. It is nice when two people can understand the ebb and flow of a relationship and handle the changes with grace. Also, trust in the relationship can be broken, but like marriage- it has to be regained for the relationship to ever be the same.

A relationship should not come above a marriage or family relationship. God put the hierarchy of relationships as God-human, human-spouse, human-kids, and then everything else. If a relationship is putting a drain on the top three, then some boundaries should be established. That doesn’t mean that one should end the relationship, but boundaries can be put in place until such a time as the relationship has more healthy balance. I also believe that mental health in the relationship falls in the first tier of God-Human. If the human’s (my) mental state is in disrepair due to trying to give too much to a relationship, how then can the God-human or any of the other relationships be in balance? When a relationship is taking too extreme of a mental toll, it’s okay to set boundaries to help put the other relationships back in line. Hopefully, the relationship and individual is healthy enough to withstand and understand that.

In this relationship, I had gotten to the point where my love language didn’t feel like a love language anymore. It felt like a chore. That is not love. That is not serving. That is not grace. So, I needed to step back and take some space so that I could work on MY attitude toward the relationship, so that I could love cheerfully and joyfully and compassionately.

That leads me to truth. If you cannot speak the truth in love in a relationship, there’s an issue. I have never been able to respect a liar, and I respect myself and my relationships enough to not lie when there is an issue; or when confronted. I try my best to speak the truth with sugar and as gently as I can, but I am human, and how I phrase it may not always be the way God would perfectly speak it. I usually feel pretty good about what I put on paper, but this mouth…. Especially if I’m emotional and right in front of you… Try as I might- I usually pray extensively beforehand, and play out conversations in my head extensively; or I edit, edit everything I say or plan to say, because I do want to say it correctly; but I still might fail in delivering it the way the receiver wants or needs to hear it. Why in the world, would I intentionally choose not to gently deliver truth? What good comes from that? That being said, there have been times when I am guilty of “flying off the handle” and not being gentle- and not giving two toots whether I was gentle or not- but I will tell you right now- that is usually when I’m right in front of the individual; and that impulsive mouth gets in the way of my intentions. Not an excuse, just a fact. So, if I’m confronting someone about something in writing- it’s because I hold them in the highest esteem in that moment, and I want to do it right without the obstacle of my mouth. I AM working on being better in person- but Lordhavemercy it’s taking forever.

That thought about speaking truth led me to evaluate my own self. There have been times when I’ve been very sensitive and became easily offended by something someone said or did. Since this has now happened to me, it’s opened my eyes to the fact that maybe I’ve been guilty of reading into, or assuming I can correctly gauge someone’s heart when they’ve maybe just spoken truth to me. This revelation is a slap in the face moment for me, and my prayer going forward is that next time this happens to me, I will ask myself if the statements are truth, and if there is a heart of love behind something that might have been spoken in a way I didn’t want to have it delivered. It’s a hard thing to do for sure. I will also pray that if I’m receiving unwelcome words, that I will harness the knee-jerk reactions that come naturally to us, as humans, and ask God to help me receive with grace, and dignity. And to put myself in that individuals’ shoes. Why would they say that? What is their situation, and what would drive them to feel they should say or do such things?

Wise words were imparted to me in the aftermath of this situation- that it’s not always necessary to defend myself. If the individual is not in a state to even hear a defense, then sometimes it’s best to be quiet and wait for God to show up and defend; and/or when God wants you to speak, He will give the opportunity to do so; at a time where it’s ready to be received. It’s against our human nature to not defend ourselves. And oh, boy is that in my nature. I’m pretty sure there’s a lawyer somewhere here inside me. So, this was hard for me to swallow. That’s probably why I’m writing it all down here. I want to defend myself. I so want to fight back. I have the ammo, I have the words, I could do it. But following Christ means stepping back from that human nature. It’s also usually the more mature response, and once again, that doesn’t come easily to me. So, I will take the baby step of just writing here, and hope that one day, I can get to the point where I really believe I don’t have to defend myself.

Since the original composing of this blog, there has been further dialog with the individual, and after all that happened, I still didn’t feel I could be honest in everything that I was feeling because of fearing more knee jerk reactions- I wasn’t even sure that the person could understand or hear what I was saying. (Henry Cloud talks about this a lot in his Boundaries book, and in his videos online). So, I took a neutral tact in our conversation. This person did apologize, but I’m not even sure that they knew what for- and it felt like they wanted something in return- like for me to apologize for stating how I felt. Of course, I’ve forgiven them, but that doesn’t mean that things can go back to the way they were without some changes; and I don’t think they liked that answer. So once again, I just stayed quiet on the situation.

Lastly, I’ve really had to evaluate who I am. I have not been exactly “on it” in my Christian life lately. So, maybe I’ve forgotten a little of my identity. But it’s important to know who I am so that when the devil launches an attack on my character- through the worst weapon- a relationship; it’s so important to call to mind the truth of the things God loves about me. Kind of like The Help, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” I lay in bed this morning, trying to call to mind the qualities that God has given me that are good, thanks to His help. Lysa Terkeurst says that she sometimes prays the prayer- “God, I know that you love me…” I’m realizing that it’s important to remind myself when I feel I’m being attacked or treated wrongly or unfairly. I’m trying to learn to ground myself in the value that God has for me, so that when a human’s perception of my value changes, I will be okay.

Has this choice, this boundary that I've drawn in my life been easy? No. Not in a million years. I've had stress headaches for weeks on end, and heartaches and daily painful reminders of a relationship that was once good; and I've had to grieve. I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated and I've been speechless. But, at the end of the day, I'm feeling the release of figuring out who I am and what kind of ways I can value myself the way God does- through boundaries. 

All I can do now is pray that good will come of the situation, and with these reflections, I do feel like there is a small glimmer of good coming in that I’m evaluating myself. How can I be a better, true friend? Are the people in my circle worthy of my trust, or do I need to re-evaluate and set some boundaries? How can I better deliver hard truths? How can I grow with grace and dignity so that I’m able to better receive unpleasant situations? And how can I eventually get to the point where I’m good at that in person? And, in the meantime, wow, I need to nurse my identity in my Creator- I’ve been overlooking it for a while now.